WORKING WITH MEN
In working with couples as well as with men in individual treatment, certain themes seem to come up time and again. A common, but certainly not ubiquitous, theme centers around a partner wanting more intimacy from a man. They want to know more about our thoughts and feelings, want to feel like they matter to us, and want to know we are attuned to the relationship. Over time, men often experience these longings as intrusions into a private space that feels overwhelming and frustrating. Men can begin to feel that no efforts will be acknowledged or actually fulfill these needs, and then turn away. This pursuer-distancer dynamic creates mistrust, anger and distance. Feelings of genuine dependence in men can be complicated by shame, self-loathing and then further muddied by their common outward, protective manifestations: indifference or anger.
Helping men to understand themselves and their relationships is profound and impactful work:
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Why do attempts to know your mind sometimes feel so intrusive?
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Is it possible that your partner’s complaints about you have at least a kernel of truth? If so, can this relationship become a vehicle to your better self?
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What do your spouse’s complaints mean? How do you effectively address them?
How can you help them understand your mind better?
"We are not mad. We are human. We want to love, and someone must forgive us for the paths we take to love, for the paths are many and dark, and we are ardent and cruel in our journey."
– Leonard Cohen
"People do not seem to realize that their opinion of the world is also a confession of character."
– Ralph Waldo Emerson
"It's strange that words are so inadequate. Yet, like the asthmatic struggling for breath, so the lover must struggle for words."
– T.S. Eliot